Death to Porch Pirates

From USA Today

"Thanks to modern technology, we can buy just about anything online and get it delivered to our doorstep in a snap. Not only has that been insanely convenient for us, but it’s also created a giant window of opportunity for so-called “porch pirates” too.

According to a recent report, at least 23 million Americans have had packages stolen from their porches, mailboxes, and stoops."

According to the LA Times: "They operate in the middle of the day, when many residents are at work and the delivery vans are making their rounds. They tend to follow FedEx, UPS and U.S. mail workers down streets, on the lookout for packages they can nab. Some even dress in uniforms to avoid suspicion."

Porch pirates? Maybe homeowners should pressure their political representatives in Congress to pass a federal law making porch piracy a death sentence offense. Or at least life imprisonment. Or put up a fake security camera with a sign saying "Smile, you're on camera. Die bitch." Or, if you're expecting a package, stay home - with a gun - and wait for a porch pirate to arrive and try to steal it.